I Didn't Know
by Alexisminamino
Summary: Time elapse and things change,people are taken for granted.


I Do Not Own Yu Yu Hakusho

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That day was the worst day of my life, and it all happened because we both were selfish in our relationship, in our wanting, even though we were mated. I just wanted to be alone sometimes, especially when I was finally able to relax and just curl up with a good book, a good book that he bought for me. When he comes home, he expects me to entertain him. I didn't believe that I could so I didn't; my passion was getting low, the spice losing flavour. But even though I neglected him when he came home tired and stressed, he would still ask me what I wanted and was there anything he could get for me. All the books I have that I can't put down were a result of him searching for it. Some was actually really hard to find. I didn't know that until I went on the internet and try to find it myself. I didn't know how he found it, but he did. Anything I wanted he gave it to me. Eventually we talked less. I spend more time with our children and friends without noticing what I was doing until he told me that he was talking our first born, Hiyama away and will keep him in Makai.

"He's my heir after all and you'll have Kimiko and Akira." Was the only vocal reason he gave me.

I would never forget that day. I watched two of my loves walk away from me and I couldn't do anything.

I didn't know how stressful his job was, but I should have known. Why did I not know? He was ruling the third of Makai all by himself because he didn't want to take an advisor. He didn't trust any of them because they were still under Mukuro's regime, something that he wanted to abolish. Then it was the portal issue. He had to abide and keep relations with Koenma especially with all the humans' accidently crossing over, and transitioning Alaric from Mukuro's reign to his, while abiding with Enki's laws.

Then there was his alliance with Yusuke. I didn't know. I didn't know how stressful it was on him because I didn't know the work it took, and I wasn't sensitive enough to ask. I just assumed he could handle it and it will be fine. Not thinking that his stress would actually drive us apart. I didn't know. I didn't care to get into his world. I was too excited about getting into the world of my book, because I knew I had him and nothing could possibly happen to us. We were the greatest and most powerful couple there was. We were the envy of most. Why should my thoughts be on anything other than my book? My life was perfect. He wasn't nagging and begging for attention. He just went along with my feedback, or the lack thereof.

I wanted to move to Makai to help him but he said no. He told me that my role was to educate our children since he wanted them to know both their heritage which they can't learn in a human school. I agreed knowing that he thinks very little good about humans. I didn't know that it would have come to this.

That day was the first day in my life that I cried. He just came home one day and started doing something. I didn't notice until I felt his hand on my neck, and an herbal paste covering the mating mark that he imprinted on my neck while channelling some of his energy on to the area. He was so gentle. I didn't know. I ignore him as I continued reading. He then took a warm wet cloth and wiped my neck in the most loving way. When he was done, he stepped away from me and the look in his eyes told me that his next words, I would not like. I lift my hand to my neck and grasp when I realise his mark was gone, the mark that told the world that I was his.

"Hiei?" I called my voice barely a whisper.

"I was treated as a friend, now that's what we are." He said. Hiei eyes expressing hurt, but also determination. His voice left no room for me to reject or respond. I was frozen in shock. I didn't know it would have come to this. He then turned towards the door, his back towards me. "I'm taking Hiyama with me. You can have the other two. Bye Kurama." With that he left. I didn't know why I couldn't call him back.

I cried that night. It wouldn't be farfetched if I said I bawled my eyes out. After I cried, I went to Kimiko and hugged her, sitting on her bed with her in my lap.

"Why are you crying?" She asked innocently. She didn't know what transpired and I didn't know how to explain it to a two and a half year old. I tried not to let anymore tears fall but I couldn't keep it in. It ran down my cheeks and she lifted her small hands to wipe it and look at her hand as if in confusion.

"Daddy went away for a while." I said, my voice shaking from the emotions that overwhelmed me when he left.

"When is daddy coming back?" She asked with her big red eyes staring up at me and I could only look away as I answered, keeping my emotions in check. It would not be good if I break down in front of her.

"He is not coming back sweetheart." I finally told her and it ached me much more to see her expression sadden.

"Why mummy? He told me bye and to take care but why mummy and where is Hiyama?" She asked as she started to cry. I couldn't help but to cry as well.

"Hiyama is gone too sweet heart." I said and she cried harder. I just hugged her close to me as we both shared our sorrow.

Eventually she cried herself to sleep and I was feeling weak and drained. I walked into the nursery where our youngest child lay. Akira, he was just a few months old, and he may never get to know who his father was. Another round of tears threatened to fall as I looked at his sleeping form, oblivious to all my heartache and pain. Then I remembered the last time Hiei ever touched me, or more honestly, the last time I allowed him to, was when Akira was conceived. Also I felt that the only thing that actually drove us to do it was because Kimiko wanted someone to play with because Hiyama would train a lot with Hiei and she would be alone.

They had a challenge. Hiei shared that he became an A class before the age of five, so that was Hiyama's goal. Hiei was, no is the best father to all of them especially to his pride and joy Hiyama. They were inseparable on weekends. Hiyama idolised Hiei so much and Hiei loved Hiyama to most because he sees himself in him and treats him the way he wish he was treated at that age. I cried more at the thought of them.

I brushed Akira's red hair a bit. He was the only one who looked more like me, the red hair and green eyes. Hiyama and Kimiko were truly Hiei's children. I sighed as I went to our, no not ours again, into my room.

I didn't want our friends to know, and luckily when they planned social gatherings, Hiei would give them an excuse, one that didn't need my input or explanation. It was as if he completely blocked me out. We were neither mates, nor friends anymore. It was killing me inside. I wish I could have gone back and do things differently. Or even fight for him when he said he was leaving. I was so wrapped up in that bloody book; I didn't noticed he used MY OWN herbs on me to heal what was a mating lifeline. That was the only blend that could do that, and he knew it. I didn't know he knew, and now he's gone.

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A few months had passed and I finally receive a direct word from Hiei. I tried to not to get hopeful but it was hard especially when I saw him.

"He wanted to see you. We will rotate them every other weekend." He paused and pulled Hiyama from behind him. "I will be back for Kimiko and Akira in a few hours. Don't try hiding them especially Hiyama. He is mine, and I will fight you for him if I have to and you know I will win." He said with a serious stoned expression, and then disappeared.

It tore me up inside much more, opening old wounds and creating new. The children were happy to have each other again. I held myself together as I walked them home while carrying Akira. I went to pack some of their things and waited for Hiei to return. He came too soon for my liking. I stopped him before he entered their playroom.

"Why are you doing this Hiei?" I asked trying not to cry in front of him of all people.

"It's my right." He said as he looked away. He couldn't even look at me.

"What do you mean by it's your right. You left me and took one of my children from me without a legitimate reason." I snapped.

"It's my fault, I gave you everything you wanted, and all of that replace me and I did tell you, I tried to and I did a few time, but I'm not surprised you can't recall, now move before I move you for myself." Hiei said and finally looked at me, but it wasn't how I wanted him to. The glared weighed me down like lead. It was then that I felt like his enemy.

All I could do was to step aside and watch him take them, leaving Hiyama with me. I hugged Hiyama so hard; he complained that I wanted to kill him by asphyxiation. I couldn't even laugh, just slacken my hands as I cried on his shoulder. I knew he know what was happening. He may not fully understand but he knew.

We saw each other every other weekend to switch the children. And every other weekend, I saw that his expression softened slightly. He actually looked at me without venom. I couldn't even use that as a sign of hope. I loved him and it hurts. It hurts because I miss him. It hurts because I caused this. It hurts because I know he can't just walk out on me without feeling something. It hurts me to know that it hurts him but he masks it with his rigid and harsh personality. It hurts me to know that because we are still stubborn, our innocent children are suffering. I never wanted my children to feel that they were in a broken family because mummy and daddy doesn't live together and have to be shuffled back and forth as a result. They are young and very impressionable, but this was what it has become.

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It was the weekend of our anniversary; Hiei was scheduled to pick up Hiyama. Hiei walked into the back yard as Hiyama was practising with his sword.

I felt eyes on me as I watched Hiyama with his well disciplined movements with the sword. I looked up and saw Hiei looking at me, almost kind.

"You look good Kurama." He said and I could tell that he wanted to say more but I knew that it was his pride that was getting in the way of him actually expression his feelings.

"Thanks." I said, and I shouldn't blame him. I wanted to say so many things but couldn't. He looked so handsome, it seem as if he was more handsome now that when we were together. It pained me greatly. I wanted to yell out that I still loved him, but instead, I just held Kimiko by her hand and now a year and two months Akira by his, and then walked away with my hair covering my face.

Our friends finally found out and they would try to come over after the switch to take my mind of Hiei but they didn't know how I TRULY felt. I didn't expect them to. I found my soul mate, and then because I became too preoccupied, took him for granted and he left. My mind, body and soul scream out for him every second. No one can understand that. Not a second past where I am not thinking about him. I've realised that even with his mark gone, I can feel him. It was not as strong as the past but it was still there. My heart aches so much, it hurts. Hiei it hurts. I want to just make it stop. I want to scream to him next time I see him to just ram his sword in my heart so I would not feel it anymore. It is unbearable, unliveable, insufferable and just so painful I can't breathe sometimes. Who would have thought this would become of me. I definitely didn't.

I found myself going into the back yard every night and screaming my heart out, to no one and anyone who care to listen. I know no one would, because our backyard was woods area and it was also a portal, that's why we chose the location. It was easier for Hiei to come home from work.

I didn't care, I screamed out the pain. It never worked. I always felt sadder and more pathetic afterwards, but yet I still do it. I can't believe after so long it seemed as if I was getting worse. I didn't know this would have happen.

A few months later, we were switching again. If anyone told me I looked good, I knew they were lying. I was falling apart and I knew it. I just couldn't, I just couldn't. When I saw Hiei walking towards me, to me he still looked so divinely handsome, my heart still jumped when I saw him, it jumps every time I see him. I felt unworthy. I _**was**_ unworthy. I didn't even deserve to touch our children again. Our children, that's all I have of him. As I reached out to take Kimiko from him, he grabbed my hand and held it so gently; tears began to form in my eyes. I looked up at him shocked. I didn't know what to think. I froze. I haven't felt his touch in so long. I was thirsty, craving, it wouldn't be a lie to say that I was dying for his touch. The day my heart doesn't jump for him, the day my breathing doesn't get caught in my throat when I see him that would be the day I cease to exist.

I looked into his eyes. He still loved me I realised and the tears in my eyes just overflowed. Was this killing him as much as it was killing me? We didn't part because of lack of love; we did because of technical difficulties. He released my hand and it fell to my side. We broke out of our gaze when we heard them calling towards us. It became use to them that we just spend five minutes together and then separates. Kimiko held me by the hand and pulled me away from Hiei. Eager to get me home to show me what she did with her plant manipulation ability.

It was that evening I realised that we were not mature enough to mate even though we thought we were. In my Youko days, my elders told me not to mate at a certain age, I didn't understand because I thought it was something I would never do. I didn't listen and now I am learning what it truly means to suffer. My days were just days of living, no life in them. Our children couldn't do it for me anymore. I was breaking down. I couldn't stay the strong Kurama everyone knew. I didn't know. I didn't know I would become a shadow of my former self because of love.

"Mummy, why don't we listen to music anymore?" Kimiko asked me one day. How could I tell her it was because I couldn't move on and everything reminded me of Hiei? Every love song was like acid on my wounds that never healed. It was mocking me. Everything was ridiculing me, the happy birds singing in the trees, the school girls openly flirting with the boys, the sun rays as it caresses the earth. I have been swallowed up in a deep dark abyss. It was my home, my hiding place, dark and dreary. My soul became a void, lacking everything that was once there. My desire weakened, not wanting to fill that place within myself anymore. My lustre was gone; I was dull in every way imaginable. I wanted to end it. I wanted it all to end. I wanted to be alone, away from everyone. I made a play date for Akira and Kimiko so I can get away. Yusuke was happy to take them the asked if everything was fine. All I could have done was the shrug then walk away.

The morning was so bright but as I dropped them off and began walking back, the sky darkened as a storm rolled it. I didn't care that I got caught in it. I was going to welcome anything that would be ill-natured against me.

The rain beat down on me, and it felt like hail. The wind threaten to pick me up an fling me somewhere unknown to bash my head in a hard place, the thunder wanted to deaf me since I have nothing else to listen to, my heart beat is getting weaker every day and the lightning was my double threat, wanting to strike me down and blind me at the same time. Even though I welcome the beating and abuse from them, they disappointed me. I didn't know where I was walking nor did I care. I was just roaming. The rained poured down washing me from head to sole. I wandered to anywhere and everywhere and then stopped shocked as I looked around at where I stood.

It was the place I first told Hiei my feelings. He was about to go to Makai and I was determine to let him know. I realised that before we mated, I did everything I possibly could to get Hiei to notice me as more than just his friend, to show him that we can actually be together. He was stubborn. I fought for him because I knew his true feeling for me. I would never forget the time he went to mother and asked for permission for courtship. I fainted that day. Now look what I've done. I tried not to think too much because I was already tearing up. I sat under the tree, not caring that the earth there had a swampy consistency.

"Kurama." I stiffen when I heard my name being called by that voice. It was so gentle, deep and filled with concern. The lightning strike and then I saw him standing in front of me. I didn't want him to see me in my low state. I was a disgrace, not worth anything and covered in mud. I looked at him and hoped he didn't see my tears that still fell even to this day.

"Don't look at me." I said hoarsely and turned away from him. Why was he here? Why did he have to come and show me how strong he was? I can see that he doesn't need me and I'm the fool for relying so much on what I once had. My regret was heavy, onerous and it was killing me.

"Kurama." he said again and I pressed by back against the tree trunk when he bend down in front of me and looked straight at me.

"No." I said as I tried to hide my face, but he reached out and held my chin, forcing me to turn to him. "Don't look at me." I whispered pathetically as I looked down.

"Why not." He asked and I didn't know how to answer, so I didn't.

"Why are you here?" I asked suddenly. He didn't answer, just pulled his hands away from my face. "Did you come to see what I've reduced to? Do you get gratification out of it?" I said too weak to be snappy.

"No. I always come here." He said and stood up and looked around. I couldn't help but look up at him.

"Why?" I whispered knowing that even with the thunder he'll hear.

"We fought for each other here. It was the beginning." He sighed as he jabbed his hands in his pocket then looked down at me and I turned away.

"Hiei." I said sorrowful, not knowing what to say. I saw his hand stretched out for me to take it. I looked up at him, not knowing if I should. Something in me told me to so I reached out my shaking hand and grasped his. As I did, he hoisted me up on my feet and pulled me in a hug.

"I missed you fox." He said as he pulled me closer, holding me tighter. I buried my face in his shoulder as I wrapped my hands tightly around his neck, not wanting to let go, in case it was a dream. I felt him pulling me closer with his hands around my waist.

"I missed you so much Hiei." I said in his shoulder, my voice muffled, but he heard.

He pulled away and looked at me; a free hand coming up to wipe away what he thought was rain drops but saw its source as another rolled down.

"Don't cry anymore." He said softly and I couldn't help but lean into his touch.

"I never wanted to." I said and a new tear rolled down. He ignored it as he looked past me. I didn't know what he was looking at until he moved my wet strands of hair from my shoulder, revealing my neck where his mark once was. He touched it and then looked at me. It was as if he wanted to say something but couldn't. He knitted his brow as he looked down and then pulled away from me and started walking away. This was my chance to get him back. I can't watch him walk away from me again.

"Stay." I yelled with all I had and rushed towards him and hugged him from behind. "Don't leave me again." I said as I held him tight. I heart raced and my breathing threatening to stop as he pulled himself from me. He turned to look at me, and I felt like a fool.

"I don't want to anymore. It killed me a little every time I did." He sighed.

"Then don't." I pleaded as I threw myself at him. He held me so tight I didn't care that I almost fell unconscious.

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That day Hiei saw me in the rain, I can't say that was the last time I cried. The last time I cried was a week later. I didn't know I'd cry. The last time I cried was when he marked me again.

THE END

Thank you all for reading.


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